Well, now that another V-Day is in the books, and the haze of Valentine's Day temporary insanity has begun to lift, The Angry Pen thinks it's time we did a serious re-examination of this "holiday."

I hate Valentine's Day. Yes, I finally worked up the courage to admit it. Valentine's Day sucks for lots of reasons, and I know that an awful lot of you are, even now, suppressing the urge to agree with me.

And it doesn't matter what side of the coin you're on: male or female, single or married, dating or just broken-up. There is no patch of grass anywhere on this field that's greener than any other. Truth be told, perhaps it's better, all things being equal, to be single on February 14th; at least bitterness and depression are free.

Let me disabuse you, first of all, of the notion that there is any romantic historical basis for Valentine's Day. Rest assured, we would not be shedding an event of valuable cultural and historical significance if we were to let this particular holiday go the way of the Dodo. After searching the Web, I found several stories about how Valentine's Day may have come to be. I did not find the same story printed twice, which makes me suspicious.

There was one legend about a St. Valentine who defied a Roman law against marrying off young men of military enlistment age, and performed the services anyway. Another about a Roman feast for the God Juno that involved men picking roses and giving them to the young woman of their choice. And still another about a St. Valentine who, while in prison, fell in love with the daughter of his jailer and began writing her love letters, which seems reasonable to me because I'm sure lots of attractive women hung around Roman jails; that's part of what made them so appealing. The History Channel's website mentions that there were three St. Valentines recognized by the Catholic Church. All were martyred, but none were martyred for reasons that seem to have anything to do with sending cards, roses, or chocolate to one's sweetheart.

The truth is that the real origin of Valentine's Day, in its current commercialized form, seems to be the marketing department of those nice folks over at Hallmark. The people who brought you "Mother's Day," "Father's Day," and "Buy your chicken a new salt lick and send your girlfriend a card to commemorate the occasion" day.

And women... no matter what he says, no matter what he does, your man hates Valentine's Day. He hates the pressure (every year has to be better than the last), he hates the expense ($200 Valentine's Day package dinners at the local Olive Garden), he hates dressing up, and he hates the general existence of yet another gift-giving holiday. Everything he does for you on Feb. 14th, he does because he has been told he must... or else. He takes you to dinner all the time. Do you think he wants to spend an extra two hundred dollars just for the privilege of eating at a restaurant that's mostly affordable every other day of the year? I think restaurant owners who jack up their prices for "Valentine's Day Specials" should be arrested under the same laws that prevent price-gouging during national emergencies. In fact, what a great idea! Maybe we could get Valentine's Day declared a National Emergency. Any man who has ever forgotten to get his girlfriend a Valentine's Day present would be all for this, believe me.

And while we're at it, there is not a single Hallmark-approved Valentine's Day gift that BOTH partners are excited about giving/receiving. For instance, how many men want their girlfriends eating three pounds of chocolate anyway? It was not a man who came up with this tradition. Likewise, it was almost certainly a man who came up with the lingerie thing. Almost like we're saying, "OK, we spent all this money on you, now, see this trashy lingerie I bought, well get ready, cuz it's payback time." Oooh, how romantic. Payback sex. There's nothing less romantic than knowing how your evening is going to end, and no woman likes being a foregone conclusion.

These are facts... and they are many of the reasons why the occasion is so dangerous. If your man is doing all of this because he feels like he has to, then the point has been missed. A man is at his romantic best when he brings roses, or chocolate, or cards just because it was Monday, or because the moon was full the night before, or because his cat had a funny look on her face that morning. Not because a Hallmark commercial threatened him with celibacy if he should fail to live up to his responsibilities on an otherwise unremarkable mid-winter day. Likewise, if a woman feels like her man is doing all of this because he expects something for his effort, well then her heart won't really be in it either. Only bitterness and a sense of missed opportunity can come of all this pent- up tension and stress.

All I've heard, all day long, is "what are you doing for Valentine's Day?" And what I find particularly interesting is that, no matter whether it's a man or a woman who answers the question, it is always punctuated with an "ugh." If everyone is so annoyed by this holiday, why are we celebrating it? When Valentine's Day becomes a chore, haven't we altogether missed the point of taking a day to celebrate the beauty of love? Why don't we all just get together and ask our loved ones the following question... "Do you hate Valentine's Day as much as I do? And if so, isn't there a way we can just spend a pressure-free day together without feeling like we have to spend a pile of money on dinner or gifts?" The Pen thinks that if your significant other says yes to this question, it proves they love you more than a rose ever could.

Then again, maybe The Pen would feel differently if he had a date.

Angry Pen out.  

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