Previously on TheAngryPen:

09-12-2000 2 Parties

08-18-2000 Al’s Acceptance

08-10-2000 Gore’s Choice

08-03-2000 The American Dream

07-20-2000 History and Hollywood

07-13-2000 40 Acres and a Mule

07-06-2000 The God We Trust

06-29-2000 Lyrical Assault

06-15-2000 Bank Fees

06-07-2000 A Mixture Often of Incongruous Elements

05-24-2000 Social Security

05-17-2000 Governmental Good Intentions

05-10-2000 Johnny Reb and Disgusting Fatbodies

05-03-2000 Low Fidelity

04-26-2000 Jackboots and Black Helicopters

04-19-2000 Movie Trailers

04-12-2000 All Things Cuban

04-05-2000 Censorship

03-29-2000 Juries and Tobacco

03-22-2000 Several Things

03-15-2000 Gore the Reformer

03-08-2000 Mission to Mars

03-08-2000 Super Tuesday

03-03-2000 Little Johnny Murderer

03-01-2000 Bob Jones

02-23-2000 The Christian Coalition

02-16-2000 Valentine's Day

02-09-2000 Short-Sighted Political Parties

02-02-2000 Mosh Pits

01-12-2000 Al Gore's Personality

11-17-1999 Playboy

09-02-1999 The Demise of Heavy Metal

	TheAngryPen vs. Several Things

One of the great things about writing a weekly column like this is that every now and then you get to bitch about the little things in life that really piss you off, even if it's for no other reason than you just feel like venting. And you get to do it in a public forum, which makes it that much more satisfying. As a form of therapy, I'd say it ranks just below hitting watermelons with golf clubs. So…

Couple things:

Number one, pro wrestling. David Kamp wrote an op-ed piece in the February GQ about the World Wrestling Federation where he said, among other things, that the WWF is pornography aimed at children and that WWF events feature gratuitous female crotch shots and simulated gang rapes for fun. The Pen brings this up, not to argue that wrestling constitutes quality family entertainment (it doesn't), but rather as a kind of hypocrisy-busting effort. First of all, right there on the cover of this particular edition of GQ, you can find Penelope Cruz, wearing very little up top; less, in fact, than the average "bim" appearing on a typical WWF show. And GQ sits right out there on newsstands with the rest of the "legitimate" press for every passing kid to gawk at; you have to go all the way to cable to catch most wrestling events. Second, on the page immediately opposite Mr. Kamp's article, is an ad for Candies perfume, which features a man surprising a busty blonde by pulling her neckline down from behind her, so that he can spray the perfume on her exposed breasts. Now, of course, this particular woman is smiling, but still, I wouldn't go trying this on just anybody.

The point is, if it's good soft-core porn I'm looking for, I'll go flip through GQ long before I resort to pro wrestling. So let's be careful where we're casting those stones, 'K David?

Number two, gas prices are not only going through the roof, they've turned it into a pile of kindling, and The Pen believes he has the solution. Well... a solution anyway. President Clinton needs to pick up the phone, call the Secretary General of OPEC, and say the following: "Hey there Dr. Lukman. Listen, we've got a few fighter jets that are gonna be flying over your country for the next couple of weeks and, well... see, with gas prices so high, we can't really afford to be as diligent with our maintenance schedules as we'd like, and it would be a real shame if some bombs were to accidentally fall off those planes while they were flying over your really expensive palace. Catch my drift? You do? Good. Let's try to remember this conversation during that oil-production policy meeting you guys are having on the 27th, Okey-dokey?"

Actually, Neil Cavuto had a fantastic idea on Fox News last week. He suggested that Congress and the President temporarily suspend the fifteen cents-per-gallon Federal gas tax, just for the summer. Then, if we consumers don't see an immediate fifteen cent drop in the price of gas, order an immediate Justice Department investigation of price-fixing in the retail gasoline industry, which shouldn't be hard, given the fact that the existence of price-fixing is immediately obvious to everyone except the blind and the irretrievably stupid.

Ever notice how gas prices leap at even the suggestion of US military action or an OPEC supply shortage, but then take months to return to their original levels, even after the supposed "crisis" has passed? We're getting screwed here people and it's time somebody put a stop to it.

And finally, gay marriage. More people than I would've thought possible here in the 21st Century are asking me how I could've voted "no" on that California proposition that re-enforces the state ban on gay marriages. Well, The Pen says this: First of all, this proposition didn't propose any law to ban gay marriage; all it did was take the unnecessary, petulant, and completely superfluous step of adding language to the existing ban to further define marriage as a union between a man and a woman. This seems childish (and churlish too, for that matter) to The Pen. Why do we routinely go after gay people with such vehemence in this country? Gay people are not gay just to piss the rest of us off. They are gay because that's who they are. Being gay is not an agenda; it is a personality trait, like brown hair, or not liking the taste of red meat. It's a choice of sexual partners, and that's all. Let's all grow up and stop acting like five-year-olds running around screaming that we've got the cooties.

Besides, I can think of at least one six-year-old girl who would be alive today if her killer's parents had been a committed, loving gay couple as opposed to the train wreck of a "family" that child actually grew up with.

OK. Now...back to the watermelons.