Previously on TheAngryPen:

09-12-2000 2 Parties

08-18-2000 Al’s Acceptance

08-10-2000 Gore’s Choice

08-03-2000 The American Dream

07-20-2000 History and Hollywood

07-13-2000 40 Acres and a Mule

07-06-2000 The God We Trust

06-29-2000 Lyrical Assault

06-15-2000 Bank Fees

06-07-2000 A Mixture Often of Incongruous Elements

05-24-2000 Social Security

05-17-2000 Governmental Good Intentions

05-10-2000 Johnny Reb and Disgusting Fatbodies

05-03-2000 Low Fidelity

04-26-2000 Jackboots and Black Helicopters

04-19-2000 Movie Trailers

04-12-2000 All Things Cuban

04-05-2000 Censorship

03-29-2000 Juries and Tobacco

03-22-2000 Several Things

03-15-2000 Gore the Reformer

03-08-2000 Mission to Mars

03-08-2000 Super Tuesday

03-03-2000 Little Johnny Murderer

03-01-2000 Bob Jones

02-23-2000 The Christian Coalition

02-16-2000 Valentine's Day

02-09-2000 Short-Sighted Political Parties

02-02-2000 Mosh Pits

01-12-2000 Al Gore's Personality

11-17-1999 Playboy

09-02-1999 The Demise of Heavy Metal

	TheAngryPen vs. 2 Parties

Conventional wisdom is that, now that a post-convention Al Gore poll bounce has brought the candidates into a statistical dead-heat, the 2000 Presidential campaign has suddenly become an exciting race.

Um, not so fast there, Chester!

The Pen would be willing to bet that two old ladies with aluminum walkers would probably finish a marathon in about the same amount of time. But that doesn’t mean he wants to watch it happen.

Modern presidential politics is boring, boring, boring… and I, as a member of the electorate refuse to share any of the blame. We’ve tried like hell to inject a little excitement into this dull-as-a-bowling-ball spectacle. We’ve busted our asses to get people like Ross Perot, Jesse Ventura, and John McCain on national ballots, and into televised debates over the years, only to be thwarted at every turn by entrenched party apparatuses which seek only to perpetuate their own stranglehold on our national discourse, rather than present the electorate with any genuine evolution of policy and ideas.

Al Gore is running around, even now, complaining about Bush’s debate proposal because, he alleges, Bush is trying to limit the number of debate viewers by restricting television and radio access to the debates. Come on Al, Bush couldn’t reduce interest in presidential debating if he tried (as indeed, he is). Gore is in denial of the truth, which is that the only way anyone will watch this “battle of the presidential whores,” is if they are given no choice in the matter. Mark The Pen’s words… if every network but one runs the debates, the one abstaining network will win the night in a landslide, even if they show kinescopes of turn-of-the-century minstrel performances.

Here’s a little taste of what you can expect, should these debates actually happen:

Moderator: Many Americans feel that the budget surplus should be returned to the taxpayers who overpaid in the first place. How would you approach this issue?
Bush: I would like to give Americans a tax cut.
Gore: I too would like to give Americans a tax cut… but in a slightly different way.

Moderator: Many Americans worry about how they will be cared for after retirement. What would you say to them?
Gore: I would like to guarantee seniors access to affordable prescription drugs.
Bush: I too would like to guarantee seniors access to affordable prescription drugs… but in a slightly different way.

Moderator: Independent sources report that Social Security will be bankrupt within twenty years. What would you do to protect the fund?
Bush: I would like to fix Social Security.
Gore: I too would like to fix Social Security… but in a slightly different way.

Oooooh, riveting. Is this what American politics has been reduced too? Our supposedly radically different political parties both want the same things, but disagree only on the most minute of details about how to get those things done? I think I’ll check and see what’s on the watch-this-grass-grow network.

Again, I blame the two parties. We’ve come to this place in American politics where, nationally, each party commands about 42 percent of the electorate in every election. That is, to win a presidential election, all you really have to do is convince 4 percent of the remaining 6 percent of voting Americans who can’t decide between original vanilla and French vanilla, that original vanilla is more exciting in a slightly different way. There is no incentive to do anything radically progressive, or interesting… things which might turn some voters off. Stick rabidly to the center and you’ll be fine. There’s just too much at stake to take risks of any kind in the modern political process.

The major party candidates ignore us card-carrying party voters because they know that Republicans would vote for Abbie Hoffman if he cut his hair and promised to fight gun control, and Dems would put Hitler in office if he promised to expand welfare and protect a woman’s right to choose.

So what’s The Pen getting at? Here it is. I’ll watch the debates, but I won’t like it. And when it comes time to pull the lever, I might start to think about how much I used to love politics, and how much of the excitement of the process has been sucked out by the non-drama of the two-party system. And as my hand reaches for the lever, it just might fall on the name Ralph Nader, because one thing’s for sure, with Nader--or any of the other national nutcases from Buchanan to Ventura--up there on the dais (a guarantee in 2004 if the Greens can get 5% of the popular vote), the major party candidates won’t be able to stick to the easy, safe soundbite issues and sweep the nation’s warts under the rug. A third-party candidate desperate for attention just won’t let that happen. Imagine how much fun it would have been to see Ventura make his infamous comments about religion being for the addle-brained during a national debate. Or better yet, imagine George and Al stuttering to find something to say in response.

A warning to the two parties from the Pen: this is a nation that just made Survivor one of the most popular TV shows in history. We ain’t gonna stand for this safe, scripted shit for much longer. Better pray we never get the opportunity to vote both yer asses off the island.