Friday, July 21, 2000

Did the strangest thing last night. Sister Damare' had some friends help her drive across the country last week, and Thursday was their last night in town, so we all went out to say goodbye. We wound up at a bar in Venice Beach called Brennan's. This bar has come up with quite a novel approach to Thrusday night bar mayhem... The Turtle Race!

They've got this enormous patio out back which was filled with, maybe a hundred bar patrons on this summer night, all sitting in bleachers around a twenty-foot circle of astroturf with a plastic tank full of turtles in the middle; said turtles having been loaded into the tank minutes earlier by scantily clad women who make quite a show of slowly beeeennnnddding over, hands teasingly caressing their butts on the way down to the tank for the benefit of rear-view patrons. Low-cut shirts leaving little to the imaginiation of those fans lucky enough to have a front view. Turtles loaded, and horny men sufficiently cowed, the referee counts down from five, then lifts the tank, and they're off. The first turtle to make it to the grey line around the edge of the circle, is the winner.

To make things more interesting, there is a rule against pointing at anything before, during, or after a race. First offense costs you a dollar, second costs five, and the third requires you to buy a round for the bar. Lemme tell you, you don't realize how often you do something like pointing until someone tells you you can't do it anymore. It was extremely funny to watch a crowd of people cheering at the top of their lungs, their arms across they're chests, fingers inserted firmly inside their armpits.
posted by LT2 12:21 PM ET | discuss | link

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A quote from Ebert's review of What Lies Beneath that I think we can all agree with:

I've tried to play fair and not give away plot elements. That's more than the ads have done. The trailer of this movie thoroughly demolishes the surprises; if you've seen the trailer, you know what the movie is about, and all of the suspense of the first hour is superfluous for you, including major character revelations. Don't directors get annoyed when they create suspense and the marketing sabotages their efforts?

The modern studio approach to trailers is copied from those marketing people who stand in the aisles of supermarkets, offering you a bite of sausage on a toothpick. When you taste it, you know everything there is to be known about the sausage, except what it would be like to eat all of it. Same with the trailer for "What Lies Beneath." I like the approach where you can smell the sausage but not taste it. You desire it just as much, but the actual experience is still ahead of you. Trailers that give us a smell and not a taste; that's what we need.

posted by MES 11:35 AM ET | discuss | link

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Thursday, July 20, 2000

Since Lars is still considering applying for Survivor 2, he might want to pick up some words of wisdom from this article. My favorite:

my advice to people who haven't had their 15 [minutes of fame] yet -- pick something where you can take a bath.

posted by MES 5:45 PM ET | discuss | link

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More classic Consumption Junction material of the wacky cat variety.
posted by LT2 5:14 PM ET | discuss | link

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The following is from a movie script submission letter a colleague of mine received this morning:

"XXXXX is the true story of the most romantic figure in the history of mathematics."

The mind boggles.

...and I suppose Schindler's List is the true story of the most romantic figure in the history of genocide.
posted by LT2 3:03 PM ET | discuss | link

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According to the local news last night, there is a serial killer operating in my area. A serial killer... of cats!!!

Apparently this guy has been going around for a week or so killing cats and leaving their bodies in the front yards of their owners. So if you have a cat, and live on the West Side of LA, consider yourself warned. Poor Puddin' is, even as we speak, locked in my apartment where she is, in all likelihood, sweating' her ass off. Sorry Pud'.
posted by LT2 12:19 PM ET | discuss | link

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Now, normally, I wouldn't dream of blogging the text of an e-mail my brother Bart sent me without asking permission. But this excerpt is both harmless, and damn funny, so here goes:

"Put in a horsehoe pit in the back yard last weekend. It's a beaut. A foot deep, lined with gravel for proper drainage. All regulation measurements. Going to put in the other pit this weekend and have a big Bar-b-que."

posted by LT2 11:19 AM ET | discuss | link

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Wednesday, July 19, 2000

The following is from a Fox News Article:

FALKIRK, Scotland — Scottish health officials want to know more about two men who each had a leg removed — even though nothing was physically wrong with them.

I don't know about any of you, but I don't see the big mystery here. I happened to be watching Braveheart last night and I'm almost positive that the final battle in the film took place in Falkirk, and I saw at least two legs hacked off in that scene.

Another mystery solved by The Laaz.

posted by LT2 7:20 PM ET | discuss | link

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Am I missing something here? I mean, the misdemeanor itself is pretty interesting, but does anyone else wonder why Fox News does not address what is, to me anyway, the most important part of this story? Two words: "sixteen" and "twenty-one."

I certainly hope someone is considering charges against "Stretch."

By the way, for additional laughs, you might want to check out the yellow column of related stories, over there on the right. Mucho hylario!
posted by LT2 7:05 PM ET | discuss | link

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How about an interactive Angry Pen this week...

Anyone wanna try and piss him off? Head on over to the Angry Pen chat board and lob a little something into his cave just to taunt him. If you wake the sleeping beast, and if he gets pissed enough (aim for his tender little nose), maybe a brand new Pen will result.

Good luck, and just remember to keep your hands and arms away from the mouth of the cave and The Pen's flailing claws and gnashing teeth.
posted by LT2 6:53 PM ET | discuss | link

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Here's a Salon article about the differences between Big Brother the TV show and Big Brother the web feed. Probably not interesting unless you're already a fan...
posted by MES 6:50 PM ET | discuss | link

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Geez! Another Survivor web site screw up! This time it only spoils tonight's episode, not the final winner, but once again, don't click on this link if you don't want to know who's getting voted off tonight.
posted by MES 6:20 PM ET | discuss | link

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The Daily News is reporting, here in LA, that NBC is developing a reality show around the idea of a woman mercilessly chained, via the wrist, to five prospective boyfriends. Every week, a loser of her choosing is cut loose until only one potential boyfriend remains.

They date.

We watch.

Voila!

The logistics alone cause the mind to boggle.
posted by LT2 5:42 PM ET | discuss | link

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Modern Humorist looks like a really funny site. I've only looked at two features, Survivor and the New Five Dollar Bill, but it's very funny. Check it out.
posted by MES 3:47 PM ET | discuss | link

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In my continuing battle against the movie studios and their seeming inability to sell me a movie without ruining the freakin' thing for me, I submit the Forest Gump trailer as a perfect example of a brillant selling job. What I find most amazing about this trailer is that it is both moving, and incredibly long. A lot of information about this movie is conveyed to the audience in this trailer and yet, not a single plot point, or important moment is given away.

Beautiful.
posted by LT2 2:32 PM ET | discuss | link

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Saw an amazing TLC documentary last night on a disease called F.O.P. What happens is this disease causes muscle to spontaneously transform into bone. So you might, in a relatively lucky case, get a chunk of living, marrow-filled bone in the middle of your bicep or, in a much worse case, the muscle that connects your shoulder to your head could suddenly turn into bone and seize up your entire neck.

The process happens so fast that some patients testified that they went to bed fine and woke up with their arm frozen at a right angle because bone had grown over their elbow.

Fucking weird man. Anyway, if you would like to learn more, here's the transcript. My favorite quote describes the ultimate fate of those afflicted with this disease: "Towards the end of his life, Harry's skeleton was fused into nearly one piece, his body as rigid as stone. Nobody knew what was happening to him. Nobody could do anything to help him."
posted by LT2 2:11 PM ET | discuss | link

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So, in the hours leading up to, and in the day or so after, my giving blood experience, I talked to a lot of guys I know and the strange thing I discovered is that most, like me, had never done it before out of some low-grade nervouseness about the whole affair. Girls, I might add, don't seem to have a problem with it. So in an effort to relieve all you scared little boys out there of your worries, I thought I would write up my experience so you'll know what to expect.

First you fill out a form where you have to answer about fifty yes or no questions about who and how you've had sex with since 1977, and, unbelieveably, whether or not you've ever been injected with Bovine Insulin, I kid you not (I told them I start off each morning with a tall warm glass of the stuff). Then you go sit down in a little private cubicle with a nurse who pricks your ear to make sure you're not anemic, and then asks you some more questions. Then he turns his back so you can pick either the "use my blood sticker" or the "I'm a freak and didn't realize it until now, so you'd better not give my blood to anybody" sticker, and place it on your form, without him seeing which one you chose.

Then, regardless of which sticker you choose (either is unidentifiable from the other and at no point do they check to see which one you picked) they lay you down on a table and strap the bag to your arm. They swab you up with iodine and stick the needle in. Obviously this is the part everyone dreads, but I swear, I didn't even feel it go in. I thought I knew when it went in, but I was still surprised there wasn't more to it, especially given the fact that I was pretty keyed up after the nurse said "the needle we use is a LOT bigger than the one your doctor uses" and "I've really got to thread this thing in there." Then she loosened the pressure pad on my arm, and away the stuff went.

I tried to watch the bag filling, but they keep it down and out of sight, so I watched the guy's next to me. Ten minutes later, they bandanged me up, told me not to run any marathons, and sent me off to have Mrs. Fields Cookies and juice. All-in-all, a very enjoyable experience made even more fun by the fact that I was with co-workers I knew and we got to make a day of it.

One final story, a couple weeks after you give blood, they send you a note with your blood type on it. I was talking to the nurse who was taking my blood and he said he didn't know his type either. Apparently, he's fine with sticking people with needles, but can't handle having it done to him. Wuss.

And I should also add that while they're in there, they take about four little tubes of your blood for safety testing. The test they perform on your blood is so invasive that you have to sign a waiver. I guess the idea is that they are going to check your blood for everything, and if you don't wanna know what's in it, then you'd better not sign the release. Also, I didn't ask this question, but I assume that if your blood were to turn up HIV-positive, that they would have to tell you, so this might be a good cheap way to get that HIV test you've been putting off, since the regular ones can be a little expensive.
posted by LT2 10:55 AM ET | discuss | link

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Do women actually have a sense of humor? If so, is it possible for advertisers to find it? Read all about it.
posted by MES 1:34 AM ET | discuss | link

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Tuesday, July 18, 2000

I just learned that a man whose own death I wished upon him every day since I first saw Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, Jeffrey Boam, died of a rare lung disease in January.

Ooops.
posted by LT2 6:49 PM ET | discuss | link

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Madison Avenue continues to push the advertising envelope. There's a billboard over my gym advertising some internet phone service, and the ad reads:

Pay for long distance? Fughdat!!!
posted by LT2 11:52 AM ET | discuss | link

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Was watching The Insider last night, which is another great film from last year, and one I find that I did not appreciate fully the first time I saw it. Anyway, there's this great piece of music that runs over the end credits which doesn't seem to be something you can sample at any of the regular haunts (i.e. Amazon; CDNow). Anybody have the Napster software and feel like digging around for it?
posted by LT2 11:12 AM ET | discuss | link

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I'm giving blood at 6:15 Pacific time today. Yikes!
posted by LT2 11:07 AM ET | discuss | link

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I caught some of the replay of the Napster hearings yesterday on Fox News and I just happened to see the part where Lars Ulrich of Metallica was giving his little prepared speech, and I have to point out how strange it was to see the co-author of songs like Creeping Death, Master of Puppets, and Damage Inc. testifying before the puppet master. Truly a bizarre image... and they say Metallica hasn't sold out.
posted by LT2 11:05 AM ET | discuss | link

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Monday, July 17, 2000

Regarding the Survivor spoiler, I've changed my position. I think it's probably just a mistake. My main reason for this is that the winner is supposely a closely-guarded secret over at CBS, and there's no reason they would have told their web designers that far in advance. So go ahead and click on the link! It's still an interesting story, and it's probably spoiler-free.
posted by MES 12:49 PM ET | discuss | link

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You can catch a very cool Red Planet trailer here. This looks fantastic, even thought the last shot is something of a spoiler... or maybe that's only because I know what happens. But hey, that's almost certainly my own damn fault, isn't it? Anyway, I've got high hopes for this one.
posted by LT2 11:21 AM ET | discuss | link

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I happened to catch Cradle Will Rock (notice I didn't add the unnecessary "the", Mike) again this weekend and I remembered what an amazing movie that is. You should all check it out, as it's pretty fantastic. One of the best movies of last year and, perhaps, one of the best "talkies" (as my friend Adam would probably call it) ever. He may be a nutty Leftist, but that Tim Robbins is one fine writer/director.

Some of my favorite lines:
Orson Welles: "Congratulations John, you've got the biggest creative dick!"
Orson Welles: "I see a stage covered in broken glass. Think about it... the danger, the possibility of injury!"
John Houseman: "...my theatre has been siezed by Cossacks!!!"
posted by LT2 10:57 AM ET | discuss | link

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Sunday, July 16, 2000