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TheAngryPen
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Saturday, August 19, 2000
I'm a fan of urban legends, but I have very little tolerance for people who spread them. In the last day I've heard Josh from Big Brother spread two of them as if they were fact. Last night he told this one, specifically a Las Vegas/Michael Jordan/Charles Barkley variant. Now today, they were talking about playgrounds at McDonald's, and he said that this happened near him. Does he actually believe these?Dope.
Speaking of that, a couple weeks ago William Shatner was on Conan and told the joke about the guy who thinks his dog killed the neighbor's rabbit, so he cleans it up, blowdries it, puts it in the rabbit cage and the neighbor thinks it's a miracle that their recently-buried rabbit has returned from the dead. That would be fine as a joke, but he claimed, without any hint to the contrary, that it actually happened to him. (I can't actually find an appropriate link here, but here's a variant where the neighbor is horrified at the end instead of happy.)
(Update: Hey, I just read through that whole link, and realized it actually mentions that Shatner told it on Conan. In fact, it says that it has become something of a tradition to tell that story on talk shows. They have three other examples of people telling that story on the Tonight Show.)
posted by MES 12:46 PM ET | discuss | link
Friday, August 18, 2000
Could your next ski holiday be on Titan?Could your next ski holiday be killing you!?
What, exactly, are the health implications of casual contact with methane snow?
And what the hell is Laaz talking about?
These, and other questions you might never have considered before, are answered in this piece from Sci-Tech Daily.
posted by LT2 9:12 PM ET | discuss | link
Well, the Pen is a day late this week, but don't hold it against him. He knew that waiting a day would give him something he could really get angry about: Al's Acceptance.
posted by MES 6:58 PM ET | discuss | link
Dear Penthouse Forum,I never thought it would happen to me... but I just read an article by left-wing wacko Michael Moore that, surprisingly, I actually agreed with. Who says we can't all just get along?
Before you fall for the theory that a Bush win means, ipso facto, the end of Roe v. Wade (pretty much the only part of Al's speech that I liked), you'd better read this.
Thanks to Mike, for the link.
posted by LT2 6:31 PM ET | discuss | link
A good friend just asked me why I am a Conservative. Well, there are lots of reasons, but no one has ever summed them up better than PJ O'Rourke does in this piece. And in the wake of Al Gore's speech last night where, for me anyway, he reaffirmed everything that disgusts me about the Liberal position in America, I think this is a fine time to expose everyone to PJ's point-of-view, all over again.And by the way, the opinions expressed in this post, and in the O'Rourke piece, are our own (Laaz and the Angry Pen's), and are not necessarily those of Mike or Tri-Llama Productions.
Stupid lawyers....
posted by LT2 3:42 PM ET | discuss | link
Well, my first experience with Half.com was a dismal failure. I ordered a copy of, what I thought was Fields of Fire by James Webb. What I actually got in the mail today, is something called Fields of Fire by Carol Caldwell, which is basically one of those Fabio-on-the-cover romance/cheesy sex novels. I'm sure it's my fault somehow, but I could've sworn I clicked on the right one. Anyhoo, since it only cost me a couple bucks, maybe I'll let it lie.In the meantime, I'm almost intrigued enough to read the book, based on quotes like these:
"Taylor faced her. 'I'm going to run my hands down your body while Henry watches...' "
posted by LT2 1:52 PM ET | discuss | link
"You'll always be a lady-- but not in bed"
"When you made love to me in the tinker caravan, despite everything that had happened between us, I knew I still loved you."
Roger Ebert calls The Cell one of the best films of the year. Now, while I'm not saying he's wrong (I haven't seen the flick yet), I think that, given the year we've had at the movies, perhaps he ought to come up with a better superlative, one not based on such a dismal standard. Saying that a movie outdoes the crap we've seen so far this year, doesn't exactly make me want to rush to the theatre.Just one angry man's opinion.
posted by LT2 11:55 AM ET | discuss | link
Among the things you don't want to hear your airliner captain say:We are a little collided.
posted by MES 2:10 AM ET | discuss | link
Thursday, August 17, 2000
Just came from a meeting with the CEO of our British office who told the following joke:Why is the Champs-Elysees lined with trees?
So the Germans could march in the shade.
:-)
posted by LT2 9:31 PM ET | discuss | link
Those freakin' Russians man... It's amazing to me that we were ever scared of these guys.
posted by LT2 9:08 PM ET | discuss | link
There's an article on Ain't It Cool News today saying, basically that the rumors about the titles of Star Wars Episode 2 are untrue. It will not be called "The Rise of the Empire." But what I found particularly funny about this was the title of the third talk-back post, which is "It also won't be called 'Amidala Ass-Raped by Wookies.' "Hee hee.
posted by LT2 5:54 PM ET | discuss | link
Given what Eminem has said he would like to do to his wife in his lyrics, I'd say this could've turned out a lot worse.
posted by LT2 5:45 PM ET | discuss | link
I was holding off on making this comment because I had hoped it might turn into a Pen if I let it fester long enough, but it hasn't, so here it is.From Caroline Kennedy Schlossberg's introduction of Ted Kennedy to the DNC Tuesday night:
"Now it gives me great pride to introduce to you a man who has never stopped trying, who has worked harder than anyone for the world my father envisioned, whose public service is an inspiration. The nation knows him as a courageous fighter for working families; a voice for the elderly; a champion of all who have been left out, or locked out, of America's promise."
Oh yeah? Which category does the girl who drowned at Chappaquiddick fall into?
posted by LT2 12:14 PM ET | discuss | link
Well, it may not be Vietnam, but it's close......and they did get bombed by us, just like their neighbors to the East, so that's gotta count for something.
posted by LT2 12:05 PM ET | discuss | link
Wednesday, August 16, 2000
Though I've seen no news reporting of this, one of our readers just came from downtown L.A. where she says there are full-on riots in progress over the stupid DNC. How cool is that?Those homeless activists can be a bunch of ornery bastards!
What is it with these Dems, can't they control their people? How are we supposed to trust them with the government? :-)
posted by LT2 9:07 PM ET | discuss | link
I think when all is said and done, we're gonna find out there's a lot more to this Russian sub incident than meets the eye. First there were no weapons aboard (early Russian attempt to keep us from being interested in acquiring missing Ruskie nukes), now there are; first the sinking was likely the result of a collision with another vessel, probably foreign (early Russian attempt to blame us, and thereby keep our ships out of the area), now it was likely the result of an explosion in the torpedo room; first the sailors were banging SOS messages on the hull, now American listening posts report they never heard any such banging and have been in a position to do so since the ship went down.Is there something screwy going on here... or is it a bunch of Ruskie horsehockey, just like old times. Stay tuned...
posted by LT2 9:05 PM ET | discuss | link
Thanks to Tony for this link to an outstanding analysis of the tendency of national politicians to favor some kind of censorship on show biz outlets.Most interesting bits are at the end where the author points out that these culture war attacks are generally aimed at popular entertainment favored by young people, and that this is contributing to the increasing disconnect between young voters and politics (voting rates among 18-25 year-olds are below 40% nationally). After all, why should we young folk vote for people who show such clear disdain for the kinds of things we enjoy? All these attacks really do is confirm our suspicions that these old bastards are all out of touch. The older generation would do well to remember that Elvis, once decried by the culture police as the man most likely to bring about Hell-on-Earth, simply by being allowed to gyrate his hips on TV, is now on a United States postage stamp. Cultural depravity, it seems, is merely a matter of timing.
My favorite quote has to do with what happens to the capacity for social change without regular injections of the idealism of youth, and it goes... a little something... like this:
"No significant social progress has ever been made without the shock troops of youth. It is the left that pays the highest price for its snobbery."
posted by LT2 6:49 PM ET | discuss | link
Racial Profile: The China Spy Case: Lawyers argue ethnicity was a factor in decision to prosecute nuclear scientist Wen Ho LeeUm, well yeah... if we're looking for a Chinese Spy, it don't make a whole lotta sense to arrest some Mexican guy, now does it?
posted by LT2 4:41 PM ET | discuss | link
Mark Johnson is an ass!!!!Just check out this quote on why he, a liberal Democrat, isn't bothered by Lieberman's stance on the Hollywood "trash" machine:
But others in Hollywood say Lieberman may have a point when he says it's possible to make good, successful movies without the use of extreme violence and sex. One of them is Mark Johnson, a liberal Democrat who produced the Oscar-winning drama Rain Man.
"I hope I don't sound too selfish to say [Lieberman] is not going to affect my work," he said. "But it's not like, ‘Oh damn, I can't make that snuff film I was preparing.'"
What an idiot. Another brainless clown who somehow manages to command media attention because he works in Hollywood.
posted by LT2 4:36 PM ET | discuss | link
DId anyone watch Jesse Jackson's speech last night? My god, I haven't laughed that hard in a long time. Thank you DNC, oh thank you! How is that man still a force in American Politics!?!? I understood one sentence in five if I was lucky. And the malapropisms alone were enough to throw me into hysterics. When he started talking about: "The man working in the chicken shack with carpal syndrome", I spit water all over my coffee table."Stay out da Bushes!!!"
posted by LT2 1:38 PM ET | discuss | link
"Stay out da Bushes!!!"
This drunk-driver detection device has some civil libertarians up-in-arms. Does testing your breath without telling you qualify as an unreasonable search? I don't know.
posted by MES 1:01 PM ET | discuss | link
Tuesday, August 15, 2000
My folks were not much on rock music when I was a kid. The only thing I can remember hearing on the radio when I was little were these two old bastards named Harden and Weaver, who did a local info-tainment talk show over on the AM dial. It was the kind of show that featured local news stories and commentary, sprinkled with Neil Diamond and various other, similar, kinds of crapola. Later, I discovered we had a stereo in our house. It was ancient, buried in a corner, and rarely used, except at christmastime, when my Dad would play christmas carols at 747 takeoff levels. Even now, my Dad would rather listen to classical music than anything else, and my mom has an oldies station programmed into her car, though I have never heard her listen to music under any other circumstance, and I've never known her to purchase an album of any kind.For myself, I was a very hyperactive kid and, never having had the patience to sit in one place for more than three minutes at a time, I almost never had time to listen to more than one song, which is a virtual requirement for getting deeply involved with music of any sort. My entire musical childhood consisted of hearing bits and pieces of top 40 tunes here and there, as they were sprinkled into whichever Morning Zoo show I happened to be listening to in the two minutes it toook me to get ready for school in the morning.
Point is, I was a musical late-bloomer.
Then came high school. When I was seventeen and a week away from graduation, My good buddy Tom Travnick (killed eight years ago in a car accident) convinced his folks to throw us a weekend-long party, with a cooler full of cold beer and lots of loud music and mayhem. I remember hearing this one particular song and the lyrics just cracking me up. It was about this guy telling his girlfriend he loved her and the girl saying well, you better you asshole! No gratitude in her voice, no "I love you too", just this vicious entitlement that, in my more naive days when I had yet to truly understand what it means to date a high-maintenance woman, or be dumped by a girl in any serious way, seemed as comical and silly as a Monty Python sketch (believe me when I tell you that no one understands what Roger/Pete are getting at when they sing "I don't really mind how much you love me... a little is alright... when you say, come over and spend the night" quite the way 28-year-old Lars Theriot does). Back in 1989, I asked Tom what we were listening to and he said it was You Better You Bet, by The Who (the "how could you not know that?" was implied in the silence that followed). Not wanting to feel even more stupid than I already did, I sauntered over the the stereo, picked up the CD case and memorized the cover art for Who's Better Who's Best, and the next time I found myself at a record store, I bought my first rock album.
Twelve years later, my roomate Tony bought us tickets to see The Who live at the Hollywood Bowl.. which is where I went last night. Man, what a show!
I'm not much of a lyrics guy, but there are a few song writers, Sting, Freddie Mercury, Pete Townshend, who can write their asses off. Go listen to Gettin' In Tune, or Won't Get Fooled Again, if you haven't thought much about Pete's songwriting skills in a while and I think you'll see what I mean. The man's a genius.
Meet the New Boss, Same as the Old Boss... It was Tony who pointed out the irony of hearing Roger Daltrey sing that lyric as, just five miles away, Bill Clinton was wrapping up his DNC convention speech designed to, among other things, pass the torch of leadership from himself to his number two, Al Gore.
Most amazing thing I learned last night was that Roger Daltrey, contrary to twelve years of assumptions on my part, is but a bit player on The Who stage. Roger sings the lyrics you hear on the albums. He swings the microphone around. He stutters the famous "almost" Fuck-Off in My Generation. But make no mistake....this is Pete's band. Roger is simply the help. When the songs break out into extended grooves, it's Pete's frantic windmilling that drives the jam. When the rest of the band needs a break, it's Pete's stories that have the crowd in stitches. When improvised lyrics are called for, Pete seemed to be able to write them off the top of his head. It's gonna be a shame when that guys goes. As much music as we've gotten from him over the years, it will never be enough.
Man I had a great time last night. You haven't lived until you've seen The Who come out of that extended syntheseiser break in Won't Get Fooled again, Roger's shriek matching Pete's hard-ass guitar chord, everything made more intense by the explosion of lights overhead. It's viceral my friends. Ain't nothin' like it.
posted by LT2 12:20 PM ET | discuss | link
Monday, August 14, 2000
Alright folks, sorry I haven't gotten to it yet, Im waiting on the pictures to come back, but obviously, I survived my brush with Skydiving. It was one of the most amazing things I've ever done. More to follow... stay tuned.
posted by LT2 10:35 PM ET | discuss | link
Strange experience this weekend. Saturday night, I had a travel related dream. In the dream I remembered getting my passport renewed back in 1990 and telling my mom "hey look at this, my passport expires in 2000. Cool." So when I woke up, I though "Oh shit, this is 2000." So I checked it out in the morning and the damn thing expires in September, one month before Vietnam 2000. So basically, my braind said "hmm, I've got this important piece of information here in the subconcious file. How can I transmit it over the folks in the conscious department... I know, a dream!"Weird.
posted by LT2 2:55 PM ET | discuss | link
Did you hear about the 8-year-old girl who escaped from her kidnapper? And no, she didn't just pull free and run away screaming, this is like, the Bird-Girl of Alcatraz type stuff. Check out the amazing story here.
posted by LT2 2:02 PM ET | discuss | link
A big 3LP congratulations goes out to Laaz's brother Bart and his long-time girlfriend Dana, who went and got themselves engaged "near some lake" in Yosemite National Park.Good work Bart!
posted by LT2 11:40 AM ET | discuss | link
Brrrr! It's a frosty one in SoCal today. According to Yahoo! Weather, the Low Temp in Burbank is 1°F, and it's sub-zero in Van Nuys!
posted by MES 11:21 AM ET | discuss | link
